i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
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I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
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I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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