wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
