I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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