The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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