dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
