I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
