Tell her she can't have a vagina
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Drake has all the answers
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
