Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
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Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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