Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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