I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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