My liver just broke up with me...
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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