No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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