I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
