Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
