I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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