lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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