ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
