turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
