sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize