Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
