don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
someone owes me an orgasm
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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