I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
