i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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