Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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