My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
