____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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