Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
it was like having sex with a tree stump
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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