Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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