I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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