I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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