Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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