I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
