1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
