You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
