I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
