i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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