i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
