my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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