you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
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you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
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I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
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