saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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