He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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