Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
