I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I deserve this hangover.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
