I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
