Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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