I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
