Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
