Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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