i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
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He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
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You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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