the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
