Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
