The maid of honor just puked.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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