I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
