She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
