Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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