if i can run in heels then i can drive
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
